General Etiquette - Is honesty always the best policy-was I wrong to be honest with FMIL?

FH is the middle of 6 kids-2 boys and 2 girls. Ever since we got engaged, FMIL has been hounding me that we should have a "girls" day twice a month, every other Saturday-do lunch, shopping, etc. In the past two months, she has bombarded me with emails at home, called me at work and on my cell and at home about this. I blew her off nicely at first, but yesterday, I had had it. I told her the truth, which was that I prefer to do "girly" stuff-lunch, shopping, etc with only my mom, my sisters and best friends. I think it is better to be honest than go along and be miserable and have FMIL sense it. Now keep in mind, FMIL has two daughters that she is really close to, so it is not like she is trying to do all the girly stuff with me cause has no daughters. I just feel she is being overbearing.

K i think thi sis a tricky one i think if she is trying to have a relationship with you you should do whatever possible to do so, as having fmil or ffil problems can cause strain on your relationship with you fh but if its to the point that you cant suffer through it and try to have a good i tme i say dont bother it would just cause problems so either way i think someone is going to be unhappy sorry im not more help.

I Think That You Should Go Along With It Sometimes But That Doesn't Mean All The Time. Not Going At All Is Going To Put A Wedge Between You. After All You Will Have To Get Along With Her For The Rest Of Your Lives Together! Just Try To Be Positive!

But I see her with FH. Isn't that enough? I don't really see the need to spend time with her outside of that. FH doesn't spend time with my mom or dad unless I am with him and we have dinner, etc. His relationship to them is through me.

If he is not bothered but it i would not worry my only concern would be it causing problems betweent he two of you.I think you should just sit down and nicely tell her how you honestly feel.

I understand where you're coming from and how you feel. However, I think your response was inappropriate. If my FMIL had daughters and wanted me to come to a monthly thing, I would have said "monthly is a bit too often for my schedule, but I'd love to join in every few months" or something to that affect. Telling her you only want to do those types of things with your own mother was rude, IMO. It sounds like she's trying to include you in family events and have a relationship with you that's separate from you and FH as a couple. I know you probably see it differently, that she's trying to control you or something, but that's no reason to be rude.

OMG! Are you serious???????????? What is the big freaking deal? So what if she wants to spend time with you, she likes you...is that so terrible??? I speak to my FMIL more than my FH...Im glad she likes me....I have plenty of friends, and my mom and I have a great relationship...but just b/c I am fortunate enough to have both of those things, it doesnt make me want to not have a realtionship, a good relationship with my FMIL....what is so aweful about it?? This woman will be part of your lives from now on....what happens when you have kids?? Are you going to let your parents and friends spend more time with them, than her?? Seriously, you need to get over yourself and be greatful that she likes you and wants to have a good relationship with you. You should want to have good family values to teach your children some day. Maybe she came on a little strong and its fine to tell her no sometimes....but to just completely want to shut her out, just b/c she is not your mom or 1 of your girlfriends....that is wrong. I can only hope that when my son gets married, its not to someone like you...b/c I plan to have just as good of a relationship with my kids and there spouses as I have with my family and Future in laws now.

I am first going to answer your question....I will have to say yes, you were wrong. There could have been a million other ways to go about it, but you are who you are....so you're going to do what you're going to do. Things like this just make me so sad & somewhat jealous, because my FMIL doesn't want anything to do with me, she'll talk to me....but yeah that's about it. I just wish more people would be THANKFUL for what they do have, instead of complaining about it. Life's too short, just enjoy it! :)

I don't want to say yes or no to what you told her because you didn't give much details about your relationship with your FMIL apart from her "girls day" offer. If she was trying to include you in her activities to be part of the family then you could always try it once and go from there. If her past actions indicate she had another motive, then for the sake of peace with your FH's family, maybe it would have been better to just explain that your schedule is crazy right now and thank her for her offer but you will let her know when you are able. Yes, it's important to be honest but it's usually not "what" you say, it's "how" you say it. But again, there aren't much details about your relationship with her otherwise.

Avoid confrontation altogether invite her over for a "girls day" you plan it out whatever that way it won't be too much stuff in one day you'll have some controlled fun getting to know your FMIL. That would set the tone for future get togethers as far as what you both like to do and etc. Also if you call her first she won't feel the need to constantly call you take a step in her direction in this area I kinda agree with Brandi what is so wrong with doing so? Julie

See this is why i said its a tricky situation because depending on your situation people have different feelings about it .my fmil and i have had a lot of problems and it put a wedge in between me and my fh and now we both try to have a relationship and its still hard sometimes but to me its worth it i mean she is his mother and she will be around for a long while and we should make the best of it its hard for people to make judgements not knowing the whole situation but i do think that some times as a daughter in law you will take things the wrong way and hold it against her and its just a matter of steping back and looking at the situation and trying to make a decision that will make evryone happy.good luck

Why would me not going out with her put a wedge between us? It's not like I never see her. I see at family gatherings with FH. I don't really want to go beyond that. FH doesn't hang with my folks if I am not with him

Have your folks invited him to do so? I agree everyones situation is unique and you can't really judge the situation but she's made it known she wants to have a friendship with you. If your parents haven't made that same type of gesture towards your FH them comparing them isn't really the same.

Its apparent you have already made up your mind that you will not be friends with this woman or have a relationship other than what you are "obligated" to have with her...so why are you still wasting your time asking our opinion??

I like the relationship that I have with her now. I am not looking for us to have girl days or be buddy buddy. The relation ship we have is fine with me. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Aww. She just wants to take you in as a daughter. This is a great sign. She could take big offense and make future situations uncomfortable. My FMIL isnt well, I wish I had the option to share those kind of moments with her. I know it may be inconvenient or strange but you should take the opportunity to show her that you are just as happy to join her family as she is to have you.

You say "if it aint broke don't fix it", however, it sounds like your response to her request might actually break your relationship with your FMIL. Besides the fact that you FH is not close to your parents, is there any other reason you don't want to be closer to you FMIL? Has she behaved inappropriate in anyway? You are marrying into her family and you will soon have her grandchildren (if you want kids). She wants to be friends with you. If she hasnt behaved inappropriately, then i see nothing wrong with that. When you have children and they grow up and become engaged, I GAURANTEE you that you will want to have a relationship with their future spouses. That's what family is about - building and nuturing relationships and supporting those you love...in the end...that's what life is all about.

Ya. You'd think honesty is the best thing wouldn't it. Over years, I've realized it isn't. It's all about tactfully and strategically picking your words to make people feel good AND get what you want. Is you FMIL nice? Does your family like her? What do they think? Perhaps you can mention that at this time you feel it is important to maintain that closeness and anonymity with your family alone. It's actually sweet that she likes you and your family enough to want to be with you. Having said that, I am sure there is a little bit of control freekness about it too. You do have to remember to that you are marrying into your partners family and this whole big picture is that your families are melding. I'm sure your HTB doesn't have to deal with hundreds of call from your dad, so, it is unfair. I get it! These things always make me wonder what the heck is HTB doing to help? Anyways.... if you really can't include her on trips with your family, make an effort once a month to see her, with your husband! He should be involved!!! And, once every 2-3 months it would be nice to invite her out in the way she wants to be. It's all about compromise, right?! I have to say, I feel really lucky. My FMIL is awesome and lives two provinces away! No way she can get clingy on me! Best of luck!!! Susanna Miles [url]http://www.kiss-honeymoon-and-wedding-ideas.com[/url]

Maybe if there's something you can to together that YOU like to do, as often as you're comfortable, then that would appease her? It sweet that she wants to be part of your life. Maybe there's some kind of happy medium you can come to.

it's not always the best policy. i agree that you should be tactful and strategic with your words. these can be turned around and could work against you.